And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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