i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
