I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
