I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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