I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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