I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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