She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
