i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
