so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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