can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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