I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
