there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Even my vagina gasped.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
