have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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