I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
