Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
