I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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