The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
