guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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