I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
