I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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