I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
