Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
