She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
