I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
you had me at cake vodka
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
