I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
