I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
