you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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