First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
