So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
