He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
