Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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