You can't special order awesome
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
