Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
