cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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