I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
