You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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