If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
