No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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