omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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