mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
