i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
