Plan B is the new Plan A
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
