in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
