broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Randomize
