Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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