I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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