R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
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