I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
