an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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