my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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