She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
