sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
